without you to hold, i'll be freezing
by ninjaextraordinaire
Summary: bonnie/jeremy. "Or maybe, she thinks, this is a different type of magic."


**a/n:** i've always loved these two as a couple and the look bonnie gave klaus when he threatened jeremy in 3x18 made me squee with delight. besides, the bonnie/jamie storyline makes me miss these two _so_ much more. i know this is pretty bad, but i had to get it out there! story title from _drunk_ by ed sheeran.

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**without you to hold, i'll be freezing**

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Bonnie's never really been about the romance.

Stay focused on your studies, her dad always says. It's not like she had another option; her parents don't have some epic love that made her vow to hold that same flame of her own with the right person. She's sure if they did, her mother wouldn't have left in the first place.

No, what she gets is a mom that bails out on her when she's three and a dad that's not even home half the time she needs him to be.

It's not like she gets much of a chance anyway, because growing up with best friends like Elena Gilbert—who's adolescent eyes pay attention to no one that isn't Matt—and Caroline Forbes—who, by the early age of thirteen, already looks like she belongs on the cover of _Teen Vogue—_practically comes with the promise that you're going to be overlooked by the male species.

Alone, she can't really say she's all that interesting. That is, until she learns that she's a witch, which does nothing but push the mere thought of a relationship even further from her mind.

All of that changes with two words.

Jeremy Gilbert.

Cue the gasps, the judgement, the sidelong glances. Yeah, okay, she knows that having a kind of _thing_ for her best friend's younger brother—who she can still remember in diapers—probably isn't the wisest thing for a girl to do. But the way he looks at her, or offers to carry her books, or tickles her side whilst they're playing pool—it makes her think she's not so wrong after all.

And damn, the way that boy kisses her.

Suddenly everything makes sense. She gets what Elena meant whenever she would say that Stefan makes her deliriously, sickeningly happy, understands how she can't get it through Caroline's head that maybe Matt isn't the one for her.

Baby brother Gilbert might just be her epic love.

.

_It_ happens.

It's not perfect like Elena's first time where Matt took her on a date to Virginia's coast, which resulted in a surprise picnic and Elena losing her virginity under the stars. It wasn't something to be regretted like Caroline's first time where she lost it to some about-to-graduate senior who threatened her with ending their relationship if they didn't seal the deal.

It was something entirely _hers_. Not perfect, but perfect in its imperfection.

They're just watching _Saturday Night Live_ in her room on one of the rare days that no supernatural events plague their every waking second, laughing about Andy Samberg's rendition of _Harry Potter_, and before she can really know what's going on, Jeremy's shirt is on the floor and he's kissing her well into oblivion.

She knows what's going to take place, and she just lets him keep making his imprints on her skin, lacking any incentive to stop him.

Her senses are heightened in a way that magic couldn't even compare to.

Or _maybe_, she thinks, this is a different type of magic.

She's aware of his musky smell, the feel of her sheets on her bare back, and how she should be freezing because her air conditioning is on and she keeps losing more clothing by the second, but then Jeremy's hands are all over her skin and it's warm warm warm.

He takes a second to pull back and look at her, fully exposed in a way she's never allowed anyone to bear witness to. She's about to cover herself with her arms, but before she lets her insecurities grip her conscience, he drops a kiss to her shoulder.

"So gorgeous."

Bonnie shivers, and it has nothing to do with the air conditioning.

.

He cheats on her with his ghost ex-girlfriend.

Just like that, it all comes crashing down. This perfect image that she'd constructed of him—of _them_—in her head is now tainted, but somehow, not tainted enough for her to be okay with letting it go. Her feelings confuse her, and she looks up at him angrily beneath her eyelashes.

He _still_ wants to explain himself.

"Bon—shit, please don't cry."

Was she crying? She didn't know. All she could coherently process was that Jeremy kissed Anna. While she was trying to rid Mystic Falls of the potentially harmful ghosts, he was rediscovering his love for a deceased vampire.

Call her crazy, but it doesn't seem all that fair.

He takes a step forward and she takes one back, giving him a resolute shake of the head.

"You don't regret it, do you?"

His eyes close and his jaw clenches and a fresh set of tears stream down her cheeks; there's her answer.

She wishes he would regret it—that he would _want_ to hold on to her strongly enough to feel remotely sorry for kissing Anna. She wants to scream in his face that she doesn't even know who he is anymore, that the Jeremy who was her boyfriend would never do that.

She knows it'd be a lie.

The guy in front of her is still the same little boy who would annoy her with his pranks when they were little, the same one who started using drugs behind his sister's back, the same one who loves recklessly, in an all-consuming way that isn't good for him, or _her_.

So instead of saying something she doesn't mean, she wraps her arms around herself and begins walking away.

She cries harder when he doesn't do anything to stop her.

.

Nightmares plague her every night.

When she is digging through her closet for any sort of remnant that would quell her bad dreams—a dreamcatcher, a teddy bear, _anything_—she comes across a shirt Jeremy might've forgotten to take from when they were together—_together_ together—and wastes no time in slipping it over her frame.

She goes back to bed and falls asleep almost instantaneously, Jeremy's name on her lips.

.

"I know you're gonna miss him, Bon, and I'm sorry—I _really_ am—but it's for the best. He's my _brother_. I hate knowing I can't protect him like he needs to be protected, and...he will _not_ be in danger as long as I can help it. His is the life I will die trying to protect," Elena says, and Bonnie scowls at her living room wall as she feels her resolve melt away.

She can't really hold it against her for doing what she thought was best to keep her brother safe, could she?

No, not when she'd be right next to Elena, willing to die at Jeremy's expense. Not when it's the exact same thing Bonnie wants.

"I understand."

"Thanks, Bon, you're the best." A scuffle on Elena's end of the line. "Ugh, I've gotta go. Damon wants to talk to me about the next necessary course of action against Klaus. He's being pushier than usual," she sighs, and Bonnie resists the urge to roll her eyes at the obvious undercurrent of affection in Elena's words. "I'll talk to you later?"

"Totally. Later, 'Lena."

She hangs up and lets out a long breath. She could call Caroline, maybe set up a sleepover at her place for the three of them, full of gossip, movies, and makeovers, just like before a batshit crazy pair of brothers came into their lives.

But no, because Elena's heart won't be in it, instead intent on getting back to Damon and digging for Stefan's humanity. And Caroline is currently too immersed in Tyler's attempts to break his sire bond, and Klaus' creppy infatuation with her, as well as the fact that her father practically tortured her because of what she is.

With a groan, Bonnie decides she's flying solo tonight.

So she goes and buys every flavor of ice cream imaginable, curls up with Jeremy's shirt and Nicholas Sparks film adaptations all day long, and cries her eyes out, hoping her Noah will return to her soon.

.

She vows to kill Kol Mikaelson and his diabolical older brother if he so much as lays a _hand_ on Jeremy.

Vampire species be _damned_.

.

"Look, kissing Anna was a mistake."

Bonnie gulps, looking around for Matt to ask their order, for Caroline to sweep her away to a shopping spree, for any sort of activity that would put the forthcoming conversation on indefinite hold. But all she has is Jeremy staring at her expectantly, lack of a blonde mop of hair anywhere in sight.

She sighs. "That's not what you said when I asked you."

"I know, Bonnie, I know. At the time, that's what I believed. I never got my proper goodbye with her—I needed that. I knew it wasn't right, but sometimes, you don't know whether a mistake is a mistake until you actually go through with it, y'know?" He exhales sharply, running his fingers through his hair in that way that would never fail to make her swoon. "Shit, how do I say this?"

It strikes her that he's actually trying to put some effort into his apology, and while she appreciates it, the bigger part of her still can't look at him without picturing Anna attached to his face, without picturing them looking so damn _happ_y together.

She shakes her head before tears can attack her eyes. "Jer—"

"_No_, Bonnie," he states vehemently, looking at her through steely eyes. "I'm sorry, okay? You didn't deserve that, and it was such an asshole thing to do, and I regret losing you more than anything."

Oh, god, those words. They are absolute music to her ears, and while they're four months overdue, she just wants to wrap him in her arms and kiss away the crease in his forehead.

But if there's one thing that life has taught her, it's that second chances should never come easy. So she tilts her head to the side in a teasingly contemplative way, taking a page out of the Caroline Forbes handbook.

"What makes you think I'll believe anything you say?"

Despite the adamant resistance in her expression, the corner of his mouth can't help pulling up in a smile as he returns her gaze. His smile is much too knowing for her comfort, and she has a feeling she won't like what he's about to say.

"Because you stayed. Throughout the entire explanation, you could've easily gotten up and walked out. But you didn't. You know I wouldn't have forced you to listen. But you stayed," he announces, brown eyes glowing with mirth and triumph.

_Well damn._

He's good.

"And _that_," he continues, blissfully aware of her shell-shocked expression, "is why I still hold on to the one thing that you seem to have let go of in regards to me."

"What would that be?"

"Hope."

She takes a deep breath through her nose. He can sense her composure crumbling and takes a chance, inching closer to her until his thumb runs over her wrist. Her jaw sets when she swears she sees stars in his eyes because it's not fair that he can have her so _easily_.

"Goodbye, Jeremy."

She grabs her purse and sets her way to the Grill's exit, looking at her surroundings conspicuously, suspecting that someone has to hear the way her heart is practically skipping every beat.

"Mark my words, Bonnie Bennett," Jeremy calls, just as her hand reaches for the handle. "You will be mine again!"

She turns back, mortified, only to find him standing, triumphant grin spread across his face and _damn_, why did he have to be so cute? She vaguely notices that all eyes are on her and her cheeks tinge scarlet as she flees out of the restaurant.

Bonnie can't help but smile the entire way home.

.

She doesn't regret taking Jamie to the dance. She doesn't even regret kissing him. Doesn't regret the fact that Jeremy was eyeing them with what she deluded herself into believing were envious eyes the whole night.

It only brought her true feelings out to light.

The fact that he's her semi-brother honestly still kind of creeps her out, but he's sweet, and he tells her what she should've been hearing a long time ago, and he almost resuscitates those feelings within her that have been absent ever since she and Jeremy broke up.

Almost.

He's a really great dancer, and his laugh is infectious, and his height is absolutely—

In the middle of being overly analytical about all of Jamie's good qualities as she's engrossed in his rant about all his desired travels and goals, she spots Jeremy in the corner of the gym, looking forlorn as he keeps a close eye on Elena and Stefan.

Suddenly what Jamie has to say isn't so interesting anymore.

.

Silence.

The Latin words she uttered for the purpose of restarting Jeremy's heart have not taken effect. His eyes remain closed, skin still ashen.

Dead.

"Jeremy!" She smacks her palm over her chest, looking around the forest frantically, in desperate need of something, anything, to tell her how to save this boy. In the millisecond it takes her to realize there's nothing around her but trees, she shakes him again. "Jeremy!"

Tears prick mercilessly at her eyes. She's already conjuring up various spells, a thousand different pleas for the other witches, ready to bargain with them for Jeremy's life. She's about to call upon her sisters when she sees his eyes open.

She reaches behind his neck and pulls him to her, forehead against forehead, noses a hairsbreadth apart, all thoughts of making him work for it and wait it out effectively fly out the window.

Nothing like a near-death experience to put your thoughts into perspective, eh?

She's _his_.

.

"Jamie, I—"

"It was always, Gilbert, wasn't it?" he asks. His voice holds no malice, no resentment, and she almost wants to cry when he gives her a solemn smile.

She nods, green eyes vibrant with recognition. "Yeah. I think we had to be apart to see how right we were together," she explains. Guilt settles in her stomach when she sees him look down at his shoes. "Jamie, if things had been different, we could've—"

"I know, Bonnie. Don't feel sorry for anything," he assures her, stepping forward and embracing her. "Go get 'im, Bennett. And don't let him go again."

She pulls away, grinning from ear to ear. "Wouldn't dream of it."

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_yeah, idk either. but whatevs. fin.  
_

**reviews are love.**


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